We hope you had an amazing Independence Day weekend!
Hope it wasn’t too painful to get back into the swing of things today and if you are still on vacation, we hope you are enjoying this time with friends or loved ones!
In today’s Vlog, we touch on a subject that has been key to our success in the last 7 years of business. It’s something I’m passionate about as not only something we have done to get us where we are today, but we keep it at the forefront of our minds as we continue to grow!
Check it out!
Speaking of Growing – How was 2017 been for you so far? Are you achieving the growth plan you set for yourself?
Is your business growing at the rate you had hoped? Has something come up that you are committed to exploring, but not quite sure how to tie it into your business?
Let me give you some background. When I first starting my coaching and speaking career, I worked and practiced on my presentation over and over again. It was pretty good, or so I thought. Then one day, Roberto, a long-time friend of mine, sat me down. He said; You’re so close. You’re very very close. You know what’s missing? What will take you from just another aspiring speaker and coach to a true influencer, someone who makes a real difference in someone’s life? The audience needs more of YOUR stories.
After Roberto and I worked together, raving reviews came rolling in. “I loved your stories!”, “What a beautiful story”, “The man sweeping leaves, I’ll never forget.”, “You’ve made a huge difference in my life, Thank You.”
You see, it’s so easy these days to just “fact drop” and think people will be moved by the latest and greatest research, and they will. However, if you’re trying to lead a team or make a positive impact in someone’s life. The key is to do it through stories that move someone’s heart and soul.
When I share the story of my time in Africa, being told I only had 6 days left to live, it makes people think, it gives them perspective, and it makes them stop waiting for the “right time” to go after their dreams.
It’s an honor and a privilege to have such talent join our PCU program in training the best coaches in the world, thank you, Roberto. For those of you in Performance Coach University Program, make sure to check out the special module from Roberto including in the featured downloads as well as the interview inside your student portal.
For everyone else, I hope you enjoy this interview.
To your success,
Here are some major highlights/notes on Storytelling that we pulled for you from today’s interview:
Don’t steal a story. You will instantly lose credibility.
People can argue facts, but not experiences.
3 Types of Stories to be Effective:
Personal story – unique, who I am , build credibility, reduces resistance
Client story – to build up proof of what I do
Swiss army knife – use one story after another
Pieces of personal story:
Life as usual – create rapport
Enemy that shows up (situation/belief/thought/barrier)
Conflict – me vs the barrier – purposefully evoke emotion
Battle and the audience will realize something
Aha moment – lesson/awakening/epiphany – storyteller should purposefully place thoughts along story to sway audience
Transformation – humbly brag without bragging
Ends story – “and that’s why today I am on this mission for this purpose in the world”
The Client story
Here is what was going wrong in their life
we worked together and here were their struggles
IT WAS HARD, there were days when client wanted to give up
Important to show the battle in between before and after IT IS THE STORY
But eventually after working with me here is where the client is now
TELL audience it won’t be easy
IMPORTANT TO HAVE 5 CLIENT STORIES FOR EACH MAJOR TYPE OF PROBLEM YOU SOLVE
SWISS ARMY KNIFE STORY:
What are we trying to help client with: ex courage
So think about an example of courage
Frame a point
FRAMING IS VITAL
Framing makes a difference, but don’t get caught framing wrong part of story
Use frames to illustrate/set the point
Thank you for checking out another episode of JRCtv!
We are excited to share with you this week that we are transitioning to a new look and feel.
Amanda and I want to be able to share more of our life with you and give you a peak into our daily routine so moving forward we will be sharing with you Vlog Style! In the coming weeks, we will have new interviews, resources and awesome new experiences to share.
That’s not the only thing new coming, if you are not already, be sure to follow us on Facebook as we have some exciting giveaways happening in the coming weeks! Follow, Like and Stay tuned!
Today we are packing up and heading to St. Louis to film with Shawn Stevenson author of Sleep Smarter: 21 Essential Strategies to Sleep Your Way to a Better Body, Better Health, and Bigger Success! Looking forward to sharing this experience with you soon.
Until then, check out today’s episode where I dive into the one question you need to be asking yourself to ensure you achieve the results you are looking for in life, business, relationships and your physical goals.
PS: Thank you for all the warm birthday wishes last week! They truly made my day!
It’s my birthday week and I just wanted to take a moment to express my sincerest gratitude for all your love and support throughout the years. To be able to live another year to serve you in helping you become the happiest, healthiest and most fulfilled version of yourself is a dream come true. I live my passion every single day and I couldn’t do it without the support of you. Thank you.
Thank you for trusting me, believing in me, and most importantly thank you for believing in yourself. It warms my heart to see you showing up and choosing to become the best version of yourself each and every week. Whether it’s reading our weekly emails, connecting with us on FB live, or sharing the tools we serve up for you each day, I see you and I applaud you for dedicating yourself to excellence.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To your success,
Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It
Want to better negotiate deals, salaries, partnerships? Negotiation is a highly valuable life skill. Grab a pen and paper because today’s JRCtv is with former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss and he’s going to give you tips on how to negotiate like your life depends on it because it does.
Grab a pen and paper because today’s JRCtv is with former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss and he’s going to give you tips on how to negotiate like your life depends on it because it does.
Prefer to read? No Problem. Check out this week’s episode transcription here:
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of JRCtv.
If you’re listening to the podcast or watching this video, Hello. We have a very special guest joining us, I just finished listening to his book which is awesome, if you’re watching it’s called NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE, you can see it right over his shoulders there which is awesome, this is Mr. Chris Voss, he’s the CEO and founder of The Black Swan LTD Group or The Black Swan Group is the better way to say it. His 24 years experience in the FBI and was former FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator, he’s a speaker which I’ll tell you where we first run into each other as well as adjunct professor and consultant.
JR: I believe you’re a professor at Harvard and also USC?
CV: “Well I did, Harvard several years ago but these days, USC University of Southern California for all you people in the Southeast and Georgetown University in Washington, DC.”
JR: “Wonderful! Well thank you for joining us and thank you for sharing some of your wisdom and experience with everyone today in advance.”
CV: “Hey man, I am flattered, I am honored to be on with you. It’s very cool, I am glad we cross paths again.”
JR: “Yeah I am excited, speaking of which the first time we cross paths, I believe was in Philly.”
CV: “It was in Philly, yeah in an event Carolyn put on.”
JR: “Yeah and we were both speaking there and we had I think it was a 4-hour conversation that night, hanging out, talking with everybody.”
CV: “yeah it was a lot of fun.”
JR: “I don’t know and I apologize, I don’t know why it took me so long to read your book.”
CV: “It took me a while to get the book out so that’s okay.”
JR: “Fair enough, fair enough I finally got my hands on it, I went through the whole book, and I mean I wish I can just hit instant download and put this in everybody’s playbook except for the people we negotiate with because obviously, it’s a little better for us to know it than them. About one thing you said that’s really interesting is in the negotiation itself, we’ll get to some tactics but I wanna share about you first, but in the negotiation itself it’s not you versus them as much as it’s you both trying to solve the problem at hand and I think a lot of people including myself when stuff gets tense when stuff gets interesting a lot of times that initial you know adversary thought process comes out. So I want to talk about that maybe towards the end we’ll talk about how to make that adjustment for people but for right now, I’d love to just tell about you, like how did you get into this for those listening and watching.”
CV: “Yeah you know just one thing after another out of left field. Which I think you know everybody’s life as it takes its path. I never planned of being an FBI agent probably didn’t even think about it until about 10 or 11 months before I was looking at to become an FBI agent and then like I was a SWAT guy, you know before I went to the FBI I was a police officer at Kansas City Missouri Police Department. Very good police department, wonderful charming, wonderful city. And then the FBI thing comes up, I head in that direction, I was on a SWAT team, to me some of the best things that have happened to me in my life as a result of something it would be perceived as negative and so I reinjured my knee. I tore ligaments in my knee because when I was in college I fancied myself as sort of the Caucasian Bruce Lee (laughs). I wanted to be in the martial arts and I thought that would help me with the police department, blew the knee out. Blew it out again trying out for the FBI’s hostage rescue team, the FBI’s version of the navy seal. A bunch of the HRT guys are former seals, former delta guys and then before I wanted to completely destroy my knee I started looking at something else within crisis response, FBI and hostage negotiator and I thought, how hard can it be? (laughs)
JR: (laughs) “interesting mindset to come in with.”
CV: “ I can talk to terrorist, I mean I really thought I can do that and initially they wouldn’t let me in. Woman running the team in New York, Amy Bondoro she was like, she kinda look down her nose at me because I didn’t have any qualifications other than wanting to get after which you know anything in life is ingenuity, initiative is one of the biggest things and so she kinda tested me I didn’t realize it was a test at that time, she gave me a test to go out and do..
JR: Was that the lady who had you join the crisis hotline?
CV: “Yeah, I go volunteer on the hotline, you know and so then, the process of doing that, trying to get, I got on a team, we had a kidnapping that didn’t turn out the way we expect it to internationally, you know I’m gonna talk about it in the book and then had figuratively get better and that’s when I ended up collaborating with the guys at Harvard. It were lot of fun, I really enjoyed working with those guys, Bob Manoukian, Shiela Heen, Doug Stone, you know just a whole crew of really smart people group up there and they said , hey you know you’re doing the same stuff as we are you just do it with different stakes , you know it kinda open the door to business stuff and you know, Never Split the Difference, you know the book came out last May and if I can add, my co-writer Tahl Raz, freaking genius like anybody out there read anything Tahl Raz has written, if you’re interested in reading something about business, he’s also a co-author of another book Never Eat Alone which is also one the best networking books ever written.
JR: “Keith Rosen, he’s been a guest on the show as well, also people love him.”
CV : Keith is also phenomenal, and Tahl collaborated on Keith’s book, yeah I mean read anything Tahl’s written, it’s good stuff.”
JR: “Fair and cool, I have to look ‘em up. Keith’s business books. So you went through this journey and there were different things you talked about in the book, that I mean literally your heart skips a beat every time you don’t know every time it’s like a page turner, what happened? Did he get him did he not? Did they take him out? And I think it’s always interesting and fun that you know a lot of conversation start with “3 mins, give me a car or the person dies” (laughs) and for most people if you’re watching, you’re a business owner , a coach or someone who a lot of times it’s not a life or death on the line as much as it’s an opportunity to close some type of gap though and that continuously overtime can lead up to the life or death of your company if you think of it that way coz really truly if you overpay or undercharge too many times in a row you’ll end up , your margin’s gone and if your margin’s gone and then you go into the red now you had a business and that stat show that 98% of businesses fail within 10 years , 95% fail within the first 5 years so this literally could be a life of death topic for lot of small business owners if you’re in that first five-year or ten-year period of your business and so looking at it with that perspective maybe, I’d love to share this a couple of tips obviously they’re going to grab the book to deepen this concept but I’d love to share a few tips for people watching , what some things, there might be an easy, applicable , easy something to apply almost immediately that if they watch this they took it away let me see if this really works, like I know he saved people’s lives, I know he’s rescued hostages and some have gone , one or two have gone wrong but most have gone in the right direction and like you said never split the difference and negotiate like your life depends on it because in this cases people’s lives do depend on it, so if they’re gonna take something with that kind of urgency into a business negotiation later this afternoon, what’s a couple of tips you might give them of something they could try immediately just to see that it works before they could have the chance to go to the book and really read all the meat in there?”
CV: “Well you know first one is starting point is there’s great power in deference. So you take a deferential approach and then gives you license to set a lot of more things and the book starts with a story of the best way to say no! and people either get this right away and start making money out of it immediately or it scares them. But the first and best way to say no in a deferential tone of voice is; ‘How am I supposed to do that and that?’ is, I got examples for the other side immediately cutting their price by half from a woman who is negotiating with a 13 yr old son who wanted her to buy him a video game and she said to her kid, “How am I supposed to do that?” and he immediately offered to pay for half (laughs) and then I got another colleague here in town business person negotiating with a vendor over contract and he said to the guy “How am I supposed to do that?” and the vendor immediately cut his price by half , so I mean even that in it of itself you know and some people like “Ah, I can’t say that, what if they come back, you have to, now I’m in trouble” and you know my advice to them is “Alright so, give it a try”. Number 1, we actually coach people to say how I am supposed to do that continuously at least two or three times until the other side finally does say “You know because you have to”. Because actually, your job as a business person is to be able to find out how much is on the table and when the other side says coz you have to you now have done your job on behalf of yourself, on behalf of your company. You push the other side to the limit find out everything is on the table and you’re still talking. When somebody says to you, because you have to, you still engage into conversation, it’s not over. They didn’t slam their hands down, jump up and walk away, and didn’t call you names and didn’t threaten to report you to the better business bureau, they’ve said, hey look you pushed me to my limit and I’m still talking. I still wanna make this deal but you know now we’re gonna make the deal. Which is your job as a business person, so you know that little thing right there, that little one more people have instantly made more deals just with that phrase.”
JR: “And so, here’s this interesting question coz I’ve been playing this myself, that would be on the point where someone’s purchasing from you and they’re trying to bid you down, correct?”
CV: “Well in any time that you have to say no , or that you need to , you need to buy yourself some time it’s actually specifically designed thing, it’s also triggers something we called forced empathy and it’s the best way to get the other side take a look at you, to take a fair look at your position and before they respond, it’s a stop and think moment for the other side. It triggers something that Danny Conoman, Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economist refers to slow thinking which is deep thinking, Conoman wrote a great book called, Thinking Fast and Slow . And his stuff is a foundation that explains a lot of what makes a hostage negotiation work business and personal life cause Conoman talked and goes into great depth about how we react in fact in a real world as opposed to theoretically you know this intellectual mythology which you know doesn’t exist.”
JR: “Right, the staircase thoughts came afterward, you know I should have said this!, I should have said that!, I would have done this! and that’s not reality of what actually happened (laughs)”
CV: (laughs) “Yeah sometimes I wish I was as brilliant as I thought I was.”
JR: “Yeah when you’re walking away , 10 mins later you’re like ahhh all the good thoughts rain in, but there’s things that you’re saying have to happen in the moment, so here’s my question, anytime you have to say no that would help, and this is something that just got me thinking as I was reading through the book , I was reading all this different pieces from ways you can adjust you know yourself, ways you can better understand the person you’re communicating with , there’s so many golden nuggets and great tips on this pages.”
CV: “Thank you
JR: “I hope you don’t mind me bragging about how awesome the book is , really is..”
CV: No, no, go on go on
JR: “Stop, stop go go . It was interesting, one thing that sit on my head and I love your insight what if you’re trying to nudge the person higher, so and I was trying to figure out which technique might work in that case where let’s say, someone tries to bid us down so we say “ oh that product or that service let’s just use round numbers is $10,000 and they say the best I can do is five, so would you start on that same price ? So how am I supposed to do that?”
CV: “Yeah, how am I supposed to do that? You know there’s three or four different ways to approach that , you know another thing you could say to somebody is you know one of the skills we took to hostage negotiations we use this as probably the most powerful one is this tool we call the label , you know hostage negotiations was called the motion labels so the other thing I might wanna say to someone is it “You know it sounds like the values is not there for you.” Now that’s actually a specifically designed price and it’s not what some people are taught to say where they go like “what I’m hearing is” because if I say to you it sounds like or seems like or it looks like, the design of that is actually it hits the portion of your brain that causes you to make an internal inquiry where the prefrontal cortex or the CEO of your brain sort of checks with the rest of the brain and says, “hmmmm”. It causes you to contemplate this in a very specific way, creates this interaction in the different components of your brain where you think about it you actually react in a way that I know in advance you’re going to react to and then you come back with an answer that’s much more than yes or no because no negotiation is the proper answer is never a yes or no, it’s no and or yes and and you need everything else that comes back in the and.”
JR: “That’s right.”
CV: “Most people, thank you very much, most people when they say the price is the problem, it’s not really the money, it’s what they’re getting for the money and they will give you all the money that you needed, if they’re getting what they needed out of the deal. So if they express to you because they don’t know any better the price is too high and it’s not the price but it’s the package you’re not gonna solve the problem by cutting the price. You may actually make things worse. And you need to get when you say “It sounds like the value is not there for you.” that immediately turns the conversation over the value and it makes him think alright, so what is the value here for me and it pivots now into something other than price wherein you find out how to fix the problem.”
JR: “Ahh so all of a sudden they’ll open dialogue and ideally, they’ll start sharing with you and either go, oh no no no its not that, it’s not that. Which means they do see the value and there are some other reasons why they’re saying thisA and then you can figure out what the real reason is or they might go, you know, you’re right and I’m guessing a follow up might be we’ll what’s missing or what value needs to be there to be that justified price for what we charge and at that point, either one way you’re gonna learn why they ‘re really saying no to that or two you’re gonna learn what else you need to add to deal with to get it to that price where they easily go that’s totally worth it, let’s do it.
CV: “Right, right right exactly and you know there are entrepreneurs , business person’s dilemma , the sales person’s dilemma is everybody’s first move is to cut the price and everybody also knows that it’s probably not price that’s the problem you know the hard part is how do you pivot away from price and get right into what exactly is the problem and so one of the ways is …first way is, of course, say, “how am I supposed to do that ?” Which Is really really a nice way to straight reject what they said and make them rethink it. But the flip side, “You know it sounds like the value is just not there to you.” Then immediately takes you into areas that would probably gonna solve the problem, actually much more quickly. Also, this is what we could like to say delay or save time. This is a great time saver to hack into forwarding the negotiations.
JR: “Okay, so how am I supposed to do that? And then sounds like the value isn’t there for you.”
JR: “And what’s interesting twice that you’ve done that I’ve been noticing for people because I just read the book I know what to look for or at least some of the things , is you did two things that I think were important you pointed out in the book. One: Slow down! So often I know this myself, our heart rate gets going, we get excited we get nervous palms, we start seeing the finish line and so we start talking really fast and getting excited, oh totally, we can do that for you and according to the book that’s not helping.”
CV: “No, first thing is because one is such time pressure we think we got to speed up in order to solve it and the exact opposite is true. I had a judge in front of the trial in New York and had this great phrase, we’re gonna delay things in order to save time. You know so you actually get into the negotiation process faster because you get off the gerbil wheel, you know people go faster but they’re on the gerbil wheel with repetitive conversations and they don’t understand that if they slow down they get fewer conversations and in it entirety save a lot of time. So slowing down actually does accelerate the process you make fewer mistakes to don’t renegotiate you don’t have as many misunderstandings and you know misunderstandings or false agreements, which are really gerbil wheel of business as well as eats up our time, so it’s understanding actually have move much more quickly by taking a more deliberative approach and having fewer conversations.”
JR: “Very nice and then the other thing is watching the physiology and tonality of what’s going on and then one thing you said that’s interesting, a lot of business today is done over the phone of each other or via email which email is probably the fastest way of being misunderstood because they’re reading in their own voice, hearing their own inflection of what they think you’re saying versus actually hearing you. And you pointed out the value of actually being able to see the person and be next to the person something you know I think I’ve talked about from time to time with everyone who’s watching and listening which is the concept of being able to see the congruence or incongruence within the other person and have value that can be to the actual process of negotiation and communicating.”
CV: “Right, right and the incongruence is a lot of, there are numbers that are thrown out you know people talk a popular ratio of 7/38/55 and 7% are your communication is words. And you know people get caught up in whether or not those numbers are accurate and the issue is where do you use exactly a moment ago, it doesn’t matter what the ratio is what matters is whether things are incongruent you know when the tone of voice doesn’t line up with the words. I don’t care if it’s 20/80 I don’t care if it’s 50/50, if my words and my tone don’t line up we have an issue here and you’re actually communicating issue to me, you know I got a colleague, extremely successful guy got fired of lack of understanding of incongruence he’s talking to a billionaire investor in a company and the billionaire investor has got a bad idea and in discussing it on the phone, you know my friend, my colleague says “ o—k—ay” now he’s communicating real hesitancy with his tones, so his tones and his words are not exactly lining up the billionaire investor hears the word “okay” and construes that as an agreement and later accuses him of lying. So I don’t care what the ratios are, somebody, we desperately want to hear yes everybody is, it’s an addiction and so we wanna hear it so bad somebody says o—k—ay and it very easy and say YES woohoo …. You know there’s incongruence and o—k—ay means, look “I’ve got some real problems with this.” So it’s how do you hear it, how do you dig into it so you don’t end up in a train wreck or somebody losing their job or deal going bad.”
JR: “And speaking of which the interesting process I forget which chapter it was but you were talking about sometimes missing those clues and how important and valuable they can be and I one of the chapters you mentioned there were certain clues, there were hidden clues and I think this eludes to the name of your group and company coz they are referred to I believe as The Black Swans of their conversation, cues that are visible or you can see like , o—k—ay, should have picked up on that one but then there’s hidden things in every negotiation, little facts and details and information and things that you did uncover changes the whole picture and if I remember right this was one of the stories if you won’t mind sharing, the gentleman who the Black Swans were something he had said no one parlayed, or no one had shared which landed up him stating that there was a certain time that he believe that he was going to leave this earth and no one heard that until afterwards and then it was like, holy smoke if we would have known that we knew he was already wanting to die – like and that was the Black Swan in that moment it was kinda hidden in the conversation or hidden from everyone knowing. So the value of purposely taking time to dig for the unknown what you said is expect the fact that there is unknown factors always.”
CV: “Yeah and not gonna be gold mines, these nuggets are no small things I mean they are pieces of information and that if you get the other to tell you would change everything. And they’re always there because, it’s kinda of a two-step mind warp thing here, but were always hiding stuff in negotiations. There’s always stuff that we’re not revealing on the other side so what does that tell us. That tells us first, stuff not revealing is important otherwise we’ll reveal it. If we feel that they could gain all sorts of leverage on us we’d be vulnerable, then it also means we could trust them more but that we could make a better deal. So by definition, if we got those the other side’s got them. Now the hard part of wrap your mind around is, you know in the modern word of Donald Rumsfeld, “There are unknown unknowns.” what happens when hidden cards on both side is begin to overlap it’s you know I’d like to imagine it’s like playing Texas Holdem what would, happen if instead of taking the cards on the table that everybody gets to use, you got to see the other guy’s cards and together you can make up your best hand, that’s what you’re trying for here. But we’re scared to reveal this stuff. There are other reasons why being able to tell when somebody’s lying is not good enough because people only lie about stuff which they think is important and half of their Black Swans they don’t even know what’s important. And I was here in town and leaving in Los Angeles when I get the chance to maybe talk to the Hollywood types so I’m coaching a woman filmmaker recently she’s gotta investor and wants to buy into this film and invested in so this person cannot just be in the film but can play both primary roles. I think this person probably saw The Social Network the movie about Facebook and there was an actor that played the Winklevoss twins, the guy played both parts so this investor wants that and the film maker’s telling me , that’s gonna double our budget I mean even if I wanted to do that, the CGI, the cameras and everything else, it’s gonna be crazy, I can’t do it. “Alright so go back into the conversation and just open up the conversation and talk in the middle of conversation, the investor says “I wanna get this castle in France we can film in” .. oh what wait, woah… there’s a Black Swan, but nobody know if it’s there… or you know think based on the initial conversation, this person’s ego-driven and gonna destroy my budget and what they want. Well you know maybe they’re scared to let you know that they’ve got something to bring into the table. It’s gonna change everything, maybe they think you’re gonna take advantage of them if you got to know that so diving in, people always find crazy things by getting into the conversations.”
JR: “I’ll give you a specific example that happen to me that really truly represents this and it’s something I wasn’t thinking of which it happened both ways, where we had a group reach out and it was interesting cause the fee they offered to hire us to speak was really small significantly smaller than what we would normally accept or ask for and I think they knew what our numbers were and just completely underbid it and I was like wow… but it also sparked my curiosity of why in the world would they offer that? Like that’s really small and I was scratching my head and I was like I call them and okay, what’s going on? We want to fly you to New York we want you to do an initial recording of your training and we’re gonna record it here in our studio, we’ll edit it, we’ll put it together and then we’re gonna do a digital broadcast out to probably 500 companies and as long as it’s liked we’ll do it like to another 10,000 companies and you know part of the training and we offer a couple of thousand dollars afterward. I was like, wow, we charged significantly higher than that and to do training for that many companies like we’re losing a lot of revenues by giving it all away to these companies and that was my initial thought, and I went to my Dad and I talked to him about it cause he’s been in this business for years , we’re talking back and forth so what are your thoughts? And he said, wait a minute, you never asked what is the important question and I said what? And he said, what companies are these going to? I don’t know… so I went back and asked and they said, L’oreal, Goldman Sachs, Price Water Cooper House, the biggest companies on earth and how long did it take them to build that relationship and they said they’ve been doing training with these companies for over 40 years. And he said how long will it take you to build that kind of relationship with these companies that they’re willing to put you directly inside these companies with your best stuff on showcase, how long will it take you to get into the door of all those places, and he said how many if it goes well? I said 10,000, he said buddy I don’t think you could pay for that kind of advertisement and I started laughing. And so the Black Swan was something I just didn’t even asked in that case who was going to because that was invaluable of like, Wow I didn’t realize that because it didn’t seem important to me at that time. My thought was I was losing revenue because they’re giving away our training to all these companies and in reverse it was actually helping us open a relationship with lots of companies that we had zero contact with before that and so this thought process of being able to dig around even if the information is sometimes at hand to you cause they handed that to me I just didn’t know what to do with it because that wasn’t very seasoned at that time and that field I went oh this is what to ask about that or this is how to do it and I think sometimes in looking for that Black Swan like you said something in the book were you always negotiate in teams. Which is having someone else to give you another perspective on what’s going on in case you can’t see it yourself, which in that case I couldn’t see what’s going on cause I don’t know what to look for. But luckily I have someone more seasoned from the team who knew what to look for and always on BINGO, there was the gold that we didn’t realize was sitting there the whole time.”
CV: “We’ll here’s what else I really like about you telling me the story because you didn’t take yourself hostage in any way along the way. I mean, you’re curious your willing to find out, I mean of course your initial reaction was oh God you know that’s too low, I’m not gonna talk to these people or if I talk to them I’m vulnerable. I mean you still dig it in and one of the things we teach on a regular basis is you know don’t take yourself hostage by not willing to continue to talk or you know if they can’t make you say yes then you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to anybody regardless of what your perception is about the process and so you know you didn’t take yourself hostage anywhere along the line there as you pursue which I think is really cool about the way that you handle that.”
JR: “Well that you, I think there’s something else I learned in the book that was really important too which was the example you said when you were teaching a class and you said okay, you give student A $10, and you tell them to make a deal with student B and you said GO, you both have to agree on it and you have to get the most you can out of this deal and you let them negotiate with each other and you were saying the different options of what happens there and so often, up here in our head, we start fighting for fair versus the reality.”
CV: “Ahh the F word”
JR: “Yeah the F word, and that becomes a dangerous word because that’s an emotional pull in reaction into a situation and we lose our logical ability to understand what’s actually unfolding cause I think if I remember right you have people come back and say 5 and 5 or 6 and 4 and then people get pissed because it’s not fair and say, no I’m not accepting 4 you get 6, no I’m not accepting 5 even though it’s split , I want more than that, and you get these emotional reactions and I think one thing that’s interestingly you pointed out is that the deal that everyone should make is not $9 and $1 because in reality that’s the best deal the person with 10 bucks can get unless he keeps it all or she keeps it all. But then that fairness, that F word that sneaks in there gets people, would you mind sharing a bit about that?”
CV: “Yeah you know once we start looking for it and I say we because I’ve got a team that I work with and I’ve got people that I’ve worked with that really contributed to the ideas. My son Brandon is probably an uncredited co-author of the book, he’s been so involved in helping develop the book since I left the FBI. So when we first, like fair man try and pick a negotiation that the word fair doesn’t come up. Probably impossible to have a conversation and it’s used both by the very manipulative types because they know how effective it is and is also use when people getting defensive and so that’s why we call it the F-bomb, because you throw the word fair out there like I just want what’s fair. And you’ve immediately accused you of being unfair and it would move them when it shouldn’t move, would have make them question themselves when they probably shouldn’t question themselves or they’d walk away from the deal they would have otherwise make them better off cause they didn’t think it was fair. And plenty of people I’m not getting what I’m worth here when take away the other side’s compensation and they would have thought it was a great deal. We tried to get into, I did some training for the National Hostage Negotiation team and then the training was over the relationship with the general contractor that brought us in fell apart we tried to get back in. There’s theoretically an $8 Million dollar contract potentially. I’m talking to a guy trying to get the introduction and he said “What’s my finder’s fee ? If I make this introduction I make this deal, and I said you know finder’s fee 10% is fair and I hadn’t really thought about it and said $800,000 would change my family’s life and I thought for myself at that moment he’s gonna make an introduction, maybe we’ll go to dinner if it works out he gets $800,000 for that dinner. That’s not fair (laughs) and we initially turned down that deal and afterwards I was thinking like that’s left over here was lots of money, you know how, what do I care how much he gets as long I get my end and I almost walk away from that from trying to make that deal we went back and said look, you got it , you get us this deal you got it. It ends up not working out but I taken myself hostage over this fairness thing and it’s everywhere, I mean I can change compensation on any deal I know it’s fair or unfair it’s gonna change every body’s perspective which is the most, almost insidious how often it comes up how much people change their minds.”
JR: “It’s wild, I had that happen to me where I did a year of contract training with a company and then a few years later someone else who’s also on a training team got paid a radically different amount and all of a sudden a year of contract that seem one of my favorite things I did that year turned into something I was pissed about because I found out that was unfair how we were compensated. It’s wild how that emotion messes with you, so here’s a big question, how do people go about staying out of the F-bomb, the fairness thought process around this?”
CV: “Well that’s one of the hardest things to do and a little bit of thinking through this is advanced and inoculating yourself. And also understanding how sometimes people can mess around with you, “ Like it wasn’t fair, you know your share that wasn’t fair that they got…”. The classic question I’d like to ask people is if you were taught how to expand the size of a pie, would you take a smaller portion? And most people were like no..no, I’m gonna expand the pie and I’m gonna take the less result? The great example I’d like to use a lot of times is the last lockout…the players they put all these money on the owner’s pocket and they got the smaller percentage of the pie, that wasn’t fair, well they are doin’ pretty damn good as a result.
JR: “That’s a 100 million dollar contract in a bad small slice of the pie.”
CV: “Yeah, they are making much more money and you know my book is another example , you know I pulled a team together to bring together this book my co-writer Tahl Raz the people I collaborated with they did a very great job and I ended up with the smaller portion of the total pie from the book proceeds but my smaller portion is significantly larger than a lot of other authors 100% of the pie. So I expanded the pie enough so that my percentage is more take home dollars for me and it’s a much better product as well so it’s a hard thing to do but again it’s not about taking yourself as a hostage.”
JR: “Smart, and I think what you just said there is brilliant especially for small business owners the concept of if you can expand it enough if you can strengthen the quality of your product or service if you can strengthen the reach the amount of people you’re gonna get to. If you can add something by splitting it with someone gonna add so much value to what you’re doing that everything expands even your piece, is still worth more as a whole than if you would have kept the whole thing yourself and not expand it and not better the product and not better the service. I think that’s really important for people especially towards the beginning because we have this very weird mindset of like oh my gosh if I split half I’m left with barely anything. Instead of thinking if I split half and we make it this much better that’s better than I would have done on my own. That little distinction is really important for all entrepreneurs, but especially the beginning stages.”
CV: “Yeah and a lot of reasons we got concerned about those pieces we’re scared to control there’s another issue of speed, how fast will you get things done suddenly were working by committee, there’s a phrase I heard not too long ago, you wanna go fast go alone, if you wanna go far go as a group, yeah you go fast but you don’t go far and you go far with the team. Teamwork seems inefficient in short-term but in the long-term you get wealthy as a team, right?”
JR: I like that, I like that, so a couple of questions, thank you for spending your time with us, and a couple of questions, if people want to go and grab a copy of this book, where do they go? Where is the best place? Is it amazon or do you have a site?
CV: Amazon, you know it gives you the best price I gotta admit, you know I buy a lot of stuff on Amazon and I even get my best price if I buy copies of the book when I’m buying form amazon.”
JR: “Same here, so go to amazon, look up “Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference” and if you’re watching the video is that yellow and red book sitting on right behind him on 2 different languages up there, if you’re listening, it’s a yellow on top and red at the bottom book just so you know you got the right one and then also for people who own a company or people who might be making a major negotiation on their life or business how do they get hold of you and your group and team to maybe help them out if they want to hire you guys for a service of bring you in for a training for their team , where will they go for that?”
CV: “The simplest way is we got a weekly negotiation news letter, and for people that are in the United States if you send a text number to 22828 and the text is THATS RIGHT – T-H-A-T-S-R-I-G-H-T. No apostrophe, no spaces as if it’s all one word. That’ll give you the opportunity to sign up for the newsletter quick and easy comes out once a week and also we got a lot of training resources newsletter’s free that keeps you up on our different training events we’re gonna be in Los Angeles to a couple of days for a one day training event that’ll keep you to a lot of information about us, that’s the simplest quickest way is send that text THATSRIGHT no punctuation no spaces to 22828 . If you’re not in the US, the website is www.blackswanltd.com and you get a lot of same resources there.”
JR: “Very cool so either they send that text or go to www.blackswantld.com if you’re listening to this look into show notes, if you’re on our blog, look below this video if you’re on Facebook or YouTube look below to see the link to take you right on over there and also the information about texting and thank you thank you thank you. I guess the last question I’d leave is I’m always curious, I just on a personal note what’s the message that you most want to leave with everyone who’s gonna watch this everyone who’s gonna listen, everyone who’s gonna tune in, what’s that core message that you really wanna ripple out that you hope they really get after watching all these and connecting with you here?”
CV: “Great negotiations is about great long-term relationship, it’s not about I win you lose, If you and I win and you lose guy, that’s lose long term strategy. You know we don’t beat other people in all our deals. We beat the problem, we beat the situation. You negotiate with me I’m not negotiating to your expense, I wanna make a great deal with you and wish everybody had that attitude you know we win together, we win by collaborating and it’s not something we gotta hurt the other guy we gotta beat him. So great negotiations is great collaboration and it gives you a better life.”
JR: “I like that, well again sir, thank you thank you for joining us here, thank you everyone for tuning in and checking out another episode, we’ll see you next week for another episode of JRCtv. Remember if you wanna grab a copy of Chris’ book you wanna go to amazon look up “Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss” also you can visit blackswanltd.com for bringing them out to your business to do some training on negotiation or some training or just for more information on learning from their newsletter make sure to visit there and check that out, and Chris Thank you one more time for joining us.”
CV: My pleasure, I’m really honored to be on your show
Yesterday marks 4 years since I asked the love of my life to marry me and she said YES. In just a few days we’ll be back right where that magical moment happened only this time we’ll be taking my grandparents.
While our love story is definitely my favorite, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows in the relationship department for me or her before meeting each other.
Today, however, we have a relationship more passionate, loving and fun than I ever could have imagined. This is why Amanda and I want to invite you to join us in Tulum this September for a brand new love and relationship retreat to share with you everything we have learned in creating a deeply satisfying, harmonious and long lasting relationship.
Whether it’s life, love, or business we both have experienced success and failure, and if we’re counting we’ve probably experienced more failure than success. The key isn’t that you succeed more than you fail, it’s that you learn from your failures in leading to your success.
Today in JRCtv we are diving into how to fail your way to success and the downloadable worksheet features one of my ALL TIME favorite books on the topic-talk about a game changer. You’re in for a treat!
To your success,
Prefer to read? No problem. Here is the transcription for today’s episode of JRCtv:
Hey there welcome back to another episode of JRCtv, this week we’re talking about how to fail your way to success.
Now when talking about failure there’s three things that will teach you some of the most important lessons in life. A hungry stomach, an empty wallet, and a broken heart. Now I know that’s very motivating and exciting to start this week’s episode with but there’s truth in that. If you’ve ever had a moment, I remember you know one time when I was in college I came home to my apartment and I checked the mail and I have a bunch of bills and I checked the bank account and there was a lot more bills than money in the bank account.
And I remember being like “Oh no!” and it wasn’t like a little bit off, it was like $50 compared to $2,000 off. It was like “oh” and there was no feasible income coming in the range these bills were due. Now I remember literally like having my stomach turn upside down, butterflies in my chest being like, “Oh shoot”, I really messed this one up this month.
And you know that will teach you a lesson like anything else, it’ll teach you how to prepare for the future. It’ll teach you how to organize yourself, it’ll teach you how to really make sure you don’t do that again hopefully, not everyone learns a lesson the first time. Not only that, I remember there are times in my life where you know I hate to bring these memories up but I’m, sure you’ve had your time to where you had a heartbreak.
You know I remember in high school crying myself to sleep and waking up still feeling sad because I broke up with a girlfriend at that time and it was pretty heartbreaking and sad at that time but I remember learning from that experience. I’m trying to figure out you know, what happened, what did I really learned in that process? How can I grow from this? How can I improve the next time around and make sure it doesn’t hurt as bad that time or a way to make sure I am better prepared from what might occur.
So there’s questions you can ask that can prepare you and we’re gonna put some of those in today’s download we wanna make sure you grab them and then finally, you know… a hungry stomach I know I’ve had days and times and luckily thank goodness, knock on wood I grew up in a very privileged position where both of my parents worked extremely hard in different ways and make sure that I never had nights where I’d go to bed hungry but I know all around the world there’s places where people do have that and then those nights where there are no food.
I remember one of my closest friends in San Diego he told me “You know some of the biggest lessons I learned is when I was 13 years old walking around town, dude a dollar would have changed my life on that day.”
and I said, “What do you mean?”
he’s like, “I just want a burrito and I’m pretty sure I could get one in a store for a dollar and I just didn’t have a dollar”
and I said, “ What did you learn from it?”
and he said “ You know, I learned I had to be hungry in life” (laughs)
and I said, “ No what does that really mean to you? “
and he said, “ I learned to be hungry enough, to work hard enough to never have a day in my life again that I’ll ever have to have that feeling in my stomach ever again and hopefully work hard enough that no one that I care about will have to have that feeling either.”
And I was like “Wow!”
So what’s interesting about this is looking at this moment of “failure” when things don’t work out, when things fall apart, when things aren’t going the way you want , there’s one key consistent element in all these stories that allow it to serve you instead of break you. And the one key element is something that an author of the book called, MINDSET, her name is Carol Dweck, she’s a researcher and she found out, there’s something called a “growth mindset”.
Now in today’s download, we’re gonna give you a bunch of key factors that a growth mindset has with. We’ve talked about this before if you wanna hear a whole episode of this just Google “growth mindset Jairek Robbins and I’m sure other JRCTV episodes will pop up that we talked about it then and a growth mindset one factor that it believes is “failure is part of the process”.
Failure in your relationship is part of the process. Having times when it breaks down and it’s not what you imagined it would be is part of the process, you know having times in business where you go out and you give your best effort and didn’t work out, part of the process, you know having times in your health where you worked really hard and you don’t get the result you really want or you hurt yourself, ouch…failure… part of the process.
And so what’s interesting is part of the process allow you to stay centered, to stay strong, and stay grounded when it happened and go… part of the process. But you can’t just go part of the process and keep doing the same thing and keep having the same failure over and over again, that’s a definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result meaning if every time you go about doing it you always fail you need a new strategy.
And so this is interesting because failure is part of the process but not failing at the same thing over and over again. I remember I met a lady a long time ago, and she told me “Listen, sometimes when you run into a brick wall in life there’s usually three signals that life tries to send you before you actually have everything fall apart, the first that life send you is whisper, a little hint, a little soft intuition feeling that says hey you might need to update your strategy” and most people go… “ ahhh whatever “ and keep going.
And eventually life takes a brick, and it just throws it at you and it says, “Hey! Update your strategy” and you’re like “Awww, it kinda hurt I bet if I just keep going I bet it’ll work” and some people keep letting it happen long enough that it burns everything down in your life. What does that look like, your marriage falls apart, your business goes bankrupt, you go to the doctor and he says “Hey, you have so many days, weeks, or months to live.” That’s life going “Hey! Attention! You need to update your strategy.”
That’s the extreme example. I always tell people, listen to the whispers of destiny because they’re really really useful if you hear them. And the key with this that you want to remember in listening for the whispers of destiny you wanna teach yourself to listen to your intuition.
Our friend Gabby Bernstein she’s been a guest in JRCtv she talks about listening to your inner guide and how to de-clutter your mind and emotions and the spiritual side of yourself to become more in tune with your intuition it’s a beautiful book she’d written on that process.
So, with that in mind what you wanna do is you wanna be really in tune with your gut so that you hear the whispers when life throws them in your way and you can allow them to guide you through the process of when you need to update your strategy and when you need to stay persistent, the key here is though throughout the process whether it’s staying consistent and persistent or it’s updating the strategy, either way, there’s one truth to be told and one truth to be told is you need a growth mindset if you’re gonna claim that victory in the end.
So I highly recommend that go grab a copy of Carol Dweck’s, Mindset and I highly recommend to download the worksheet today the reason I point down is hopefully it’s on the blog here. Download today’s worksheet and you wanna answer a handful of questions on there to help you figure out if you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset as well we give you a link to a website to Carol Dweck created on how to shift your mindset from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset if you happened to be caught up in the fixed mindset.
Have fun with this, go apply it, share it with other people you know we have a philosophy of learn what it takes, live it and apply it yourself, and give it, pay it forward so make sure to pay this forward to friends and family who you believe that could benefit. Have fun with this and I look forward to next week for another episode of JRCtv. Bye.
Hope you all had an amazing holiday weekend and took the time to celebrate with your family and friends.
We just got back from visiting my mom in Asheville, NC and dropping off our puppy for his spring break since we are going to be on the road for some back to back to back travel coming up!
Today in JRCtv we are diving into what it takes to keep those sparks alive in a relationship, the magic sauce that makes someone feel important. This is also one of the 7 key factors that relationship expert John Gottman says helps to build long lasting trust and commitment in a relationship.
How to practice staying deeply curious about the person that you choose to be in a relationship with. For some of us, it comes easy because we tend to be curious about EVERYTHING! Yet for others, it can be a bit tricky because once we know enough about our life partner we tend to just move on to the next topic…. this can lead to massive pain and eventually divorce (just a heads up on that one).
Anyways… have fun with this one and always stay curious!
To your success,
Prefer to read? No problem. Here is the transcription for today’s episode of JRCtv:
Hey there! Welcome back to another episode of JRCTV.
Yes we are still in beautiful Vail, Colorado as you can see the beautiful, epic scenery behind us. Today we’re talking about something that can literally be a making point or breaking point of any relationship you’re in.
We’re gonna focus on intimate relationships because it’s important but you can use this concept for a business relationship, friendship, or you know just an acquaintance, or you can use it for even getting to know your kids or family better and someway shape or form and what we’re talking about is the ability to be deeply and profoundly curious about the person that you’re in a relationship with. What does that mean?
Well what it means is you wanna get to know what is their blueprint, meaning their thoughts, their beliefs, their values, the organizing principle and pillars by which they live their life. Here’s what’s wild, most of us are not really that aware consciously of our own belief system, our own organizing foundational principles and pillars. How do I know that? Because if I were to say what’s most important do you have in life?
You might say? “Okay, okay now you might come to that, what else is most important to you in life? Now if you are to take the one or two, here’s my question, when did you consciously decide that and what point in your life did you sit down and say, okay here’s all my options and everything I could value.
I could value love, I could value spirituality, I could value God, I could value giving, I could value being successful, I could value being a good person, I could value making a difference, being strong, being powerful, I could value all kind of stuff, I’m going to choose this one. When did you do that last?
Now for some of you, you might have done it but for most of you, I’m gonna say you never consciously made the decision. You’re living by default. Meaning you’re community, your friends, your family, where you grew up, who you hang up with, where you worked, a mentor, someone you look up to, told you something and you were “Oh yeah, that’s right” and now you’re just living by default instead of by choice.
So right now what I want you to do is first, download today’s worksheet we’re giving you a handful of questions on the majors of life something we talked about in our book ‘Live It! Achieve Success by Living with Purpose’, in chapter two and three we talked about the majors of life , health, emotions, relationships, spirituality, business, finances, your time management, relationships, community, the major elements of life and in this worksheet today that we’re gonna give you on the blog jairekrobbins.com/blog,check out this blog, download the worksheet when you get it it’s gonna have a couple of questions in each section not all of them but a couple to help you get a head start and it’s gonna help you to find what you really believe and what you really value in each of this major categories on life.
Now I want you to start by first answering the questions yourself and then I want you to go to someone you care about, your significant other, your spouse, your kids, your family, your friends, your co workers maybe even your business partner or associates possibly a client, someone you wanna get to know better and I want you to have them answer the questions as well.
Then after they answer and after you answer the questions separately share them with each other I want you to become curious about what they believe that’s number step 1. So step 1 is defining yourself. Step 2 share with each other and then here’s step 3, I want to have you dig deep into why they believe that and I want you to help define when did they start believing that.
This will help you create a tighter bond with each other and so the very first step is to say, what do you value in health? And then they tell you and then you say why do you value that and let them explain and say, what moment of your life, what events, what situations? What significant emotional experiences caused you to believe that?
And what will happen is you’ll start to get to know this person at a whole different level of depth because you’ll start to understand why they’ve chosen to believe certain core elements of their life certain core foundational beliefs of who they are you’ll start to learn why they’ve chosen that and what happened in their life that caused them to believe that or caused them to choose that.
This is really important, it’ll create depth and connection in a whole new level for you both. Now the reason it can make or break a relationship that’s how to make a relationship better, how can this break a relationship? Really simple if you don’t know why someone believes things they believe and you don’t know what caused them to believe that and you don’t know how they came to that conclusion and how long they’ve thought it?
Could you imagine when butt heads on a concept and you have no empathy, or caring or understanding of how they came to that conclusion and you think just their wrong and they think you’re wrong this is where relationships, you butt head and things get hairy and falls apart.
So instead take time to do this in advance, get to know them cause here’s what’s wild. We fall in love and get excited we think and assume that they believe what we believe and they value what we value and we’re just the same, it’s not true. As much as we wanna believe it, its drugs in your head, oxytocin is kicking in, dopamine is kicking in, you’re all excited and you start to assume stuff. Don’t assume, ask! Get to know them and get to know them with depth not just surface not just say, why do you believe that?
Okay good, but why do you believe that and what caused you what experiences happened in your life, health , emotions, business, family, what moments occurred that caused you to form that belief , that experience … now you have more depth connection and empathy with that person.
So have fun with today’s worksheet, download it, follow the steps: first, figure out yourself, second have them do it, third share with each other fourth, ask them why or how did you come on that belief then dig deep and figure out what moment caused them to believe that and have fun getting to know each other at a whole different level.
Have fun with this and I’ll see you next week for another episode of JRCTv.
Spring is in the air, which is the symbol for the start of new beginnings, in our life and business.
My question is are you ready? Are you ready for new beginnings, are you ready for this next season in your life or business or relationship?
Whenever there’s a new phase, or stage or simply beginning to something new it’s likely some fears may come up and slow down the momentum we’ve built up to this moment. What’s a fear you’re faced with right now?
Maybe it’s a fear of how you’ll repair something that’s broken, maybe it’s the fear of ending something, maybe it’s the fear of starting something new.
Either way, we have a phenomenal episode for you today all about breaking through your fears once and for all.
Download the worksheet as well with step by step actions you can take when you feel fear trying to get in the way of your progress and slow you down.
To your success,
Prefer to read? No problem. Here is the transcription for today’s episode of JRCtv:
Hey there welcome back to another episode of JRCTV.
As you can see we’re in beautiful Vail, Colorado check out that scenery back there pretty fantastic. Today we’re talking about something that I learned when I was really little trying to learn how to snowboard. I have an amazing father who believes the best way to break though fear is to feel the fear and do it anyways.
And so when I was little kid I’ll tell you a quick story to set this off. When I was little kid I remember going up to the top of the mountain with my dad cause his philosophy was the best way to teach your child how to turn on a snowboard is to take them to the steepest part of the mountain because you have to turn otherwise you roll down the hill.
Let’s just say I rolled down the hill a few times because I was afraid of turning and when that fear ended up my body at that moment of my life I was not good at what I’m about to teach you. At that moment of my life I cried, I gave up, and dad and I ended up at some pretty bad shouting matches at top of the mountain about; “I’m gonna go down the hill.” “No, I’m not.”
So, it’s an interesting memories here on the slopes but it also taught me something that later in life. Now I’ve learn to be used as an incredible asset. It’s something I wanna share with you. The concept when fear takes over in your body we can measure this nowadays and the best way to measure if you are in a fearful place is based on your breathing pattern.
I’ll tell you number one breath pattern that tells you that are in fearful state,
You’re not breathing. If you catch yourself holding your breath and thinking about everything that might go right or wrong in the next 10 minutes in your freaking about it, you’re in a fearful state. You’re body’s going in a fight or flight.
Really rapidly breathing, you’re like (panting) if you’re freaking out like that you’re having a panic attack and it feels like that on your breath obviously that’s putting you into a fearful state or an erratic state which is not gonna help you focus or feel strong or confident in that moment. You know there a few other patterns but those two are the main ones, if you’re holding your breath or if your breath pattern is out of control.
Now, when that happens, you’re body’s going to fight or flight or a light level of shock and as that’s happening there are few things that are going on into your physical body. Your muscles tighten; your body starts to break down fuel faster so you have energy, that you can propel yourself to either fight like heck or run like heck, it’s fight or flight.
For men, we lose our peripheral vision, meaning we start to have tunnel vision and everything out here disappears so that we can laser focus on what we either you attack or run from. Now the other thing that happens is our eyes really focus, they get really it’s not that it, but they start to focus really strongly so we can clearly see where we need to go or where we need to run from.
And so it is wild on this concept is we lose our ability to use our executive functioning part of our brain which is the logical, decision-making part of our brain. So, here’s what I’m gonna tell you to do, whenever you get in to a fearful state, I wish someone would have taught me this crying and sitting on my butt on top of the mountain back in the days, but I gotta tell you now so you can save yourself from the pain, the frustration, and those moments I’ve been through.
Whenever you feel yourself getting in to fearful state your breath patterns becomes erratic and then you start holding your breath and get really intense, all of a sudden you seem to not being able to think clearly and you’re kinda lost, your scattered in those moments is a signal that the very first thing you need to do is STOP.
STOP! Take a step back and literally assess the situation and by assessing the situation what you wanna do is you wanna train your brain to ask three questions:
Is this a normal problem?
Is this an abnormal problem?
Is this literally a life-threatening problem right now.
Now the reason why you wanna ask those three questions is because why on the world would you freak out on a normal problem? If it’s normal. If it’s meant to happen there’s no reason to freak out there’s no reason to have fear, there’s no reason to be upset. You know when I was a little kid I would have known this, I was like “hey falling down when trying to learn how to snow board is a normal problem.” Why would I freak out?
You know, if it’s abnormal meaning you’ve been snowboarding for 15 years and you still can’t figure out how to turn, that is an abnormal problem. And if you’re trying to use that technique while back country snowboarding that is a life threatening problem. So I don’t have a life-threatening problem we were a normal blues greens and black runs so that was not life threatening.
Number two, was it abnormal? No it was perfectly normal so there’s absolutely zero reason to freak out in that case if it’s a normal problem the next step is to reset your nervous system because when you’re in fight or flight you cannot logically think well enough to actually get through the challenge.
So what do you have to do? Number one, you have to take 3 deep breaths that reset your nervous system, your central nervous system here, how you do that is really simple, do this with me… you’re gonna take a deep breath (inhale) and at the very top when you feel completely full you’re gonna do a little more (inhale) and then you’re gonna hold it for 3 seconds.
So ready.. breathe in (inhale) one more (inhale) hold it (counting with fingers 1,2,3)and then all at once out into your mouth. And if you notice if you let it out you wanna drop your shoulders, drop your head and let out all the air at once. So let’s try it 3 in a row, real quick…
Ready, breath in (counting with fingers 1,2,3) a little bit more hold it (counting with fingers 1,2,3) all the way out… that’s one
One more time, (inhale counting with fingers 1,2,3) a little bit more hold it (counting with fingers 1,2,3) all the way out… that’s one
One more time, (inhale counting with fingers 1,2,3) a little bit more hold it (counting with fingers 1,2,3) all the way out… that’s one
Now it happens when you that if you’ve noticed a friend of mine who studied the breath work for three years taught me that he said it literally reset like pressing that reset button on an electronic device it resets your nervous system and allows you to get out of fight or flight and back to actual logical thinking that’s what we wanna get back to.
Now that you’re in actual logical thought process you then wanna say “Okay, let me put together the next three moves in order to make progress, just as simple as that.”
So number one, step back and asses.. is this life normal, abnormal of life threatening? If it’s normal no problem three deep breaths reset your nervous system and then say “Okay, what are the next three steps that have to happen now?” and then once you’ve figure out with the three things all you need to do immediately take action on number one and that simple little philosophy right there will help you take fear and instead of letting it push you and pull you around and leave you frozen in your tracks freaking out or crying like a little wuss on top of the mountain like I was that time of my life.
Instead, you can reset, re-calibrate organize your steps, lock on, take action and kick some butt.
Have fun with this, use it and please pay it forward to other people who you know get stuck in a fearful state coz this is a real freedom you can give them and yourself by using this process.
Also make sure to download today’s worksheet because it has the little formula typed up and a couple of questions that will help you identify normal, abnormal or life-threatening as well as what are the next three steps?
You’re gonna have your form as a way to apply and get through it. It also serves as a good back up option in case your brain gets hijacked when you’re in fight or flight and you can’t logically think through it, use the form… just follow the steps and boom it’ll get you right through it every time.
Download today’s worksheet, have fun with it and I’ll see you next week for another episode of JRCTV.
We are getting in one last run before the end of the season and it’s been amazing. This week Amanda and I have been diving into a lot of relationship talk – if you haven’t watched, check out our FB lives this week! Powerful stuff.
This week in JRCtv we are talking about more juicy relationship advice, but this time it’s not specific to your intimate relationships, it applies to other relationships as well.
If 94% of couples report having some conflict (we can assume the other 6% are lying), then today’s topic is going to be a game-changer for your relationship and how you manage and move past conflict in a way that brings you closer together rather than tear you apart.
If you’re a parent, a leader, or a friend… basically, if you’re a human, undoubtedly you’ve experienced conflict as well. Again, if you’re looking for ways to repair or strengthen those relationships, make sure to bookmark today’s topic.
It’s all about 6 words or one short sentence that will absolutely fix something broken in a relationship. This short phrase will prevent resentment, frustration, and anger from building up.
Instead, if you these 6 words it’ll bring you closer together, build trust, create greater understanding, and provide you the opportunity to move forward wholeheartedly.
So enjoy today’s JRCtv and make sure to use it, save it, and share it!
Yours in Success,
Prefer to read? No Problem! Here is this weeks transcription of JRCtv! Enjoy!
Hey there welcome back to another episode of JRCTV.
Today we are talking about those moments where you messed up and you know you did and you have to apologize. We’re talking about how to apologize in a way it’ll actually be received really, well specifically in a relationship. One of the number one most important don’t ever do’s is to say “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt” because in that moment if you did something and you need to apologize, when you say “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt”, what you’re basically telling the other person is you’re not taking responsibility for whatever just happened, that hurt their feelings versus if you say, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”.
In that moment instead of, “I’m sorry you’re hurt”, it’s “I’m sorry I did something to hurt your feelings”. In that moment you’re taking responsibility because the number 1 step for an apology is, you have to take responsibility for whatever just happened to help them in that moment understand that you are owning the fact that their feelings are hurt.
Now whenever I share this with people a lot of times they tell me something like, “but wait a minute, What if I didn’t do it? What if I didn’t hurt their feelings, what if they’re just being sensitive? What if it wasn’t my fault?” Well here is the big question, would you rather both be happy or would you rather be right? Because this is a big factor that a lot of people mess up on, and they would say, “I would rather be right and factual”.
It’s like “well great, then you deal with someone being unhappy in your life, you deal with the pain, the frustrations, the anger, the upset that’s going to come from this and how many days, weeks, and months it’s going to last again and again and again if you don’t handle it now, versus if you want to handle it right now at this moment. You can literally cap it, let it go away and it’ll never repeat, it’ll never return, it’ll never poke it’s little head out three months from now and say “remember that one time when you did that?”.
It’ll be gone it’ll be released from their nervous system. So if you want the ability to release it so it never comes back … Number one is: You have to own it – Step number one: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”
Number two: In that moment, you then have to dig deep and figure out what specifically hurt their feelings, you got to ask… “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings but I’d love to know what happened, what did I do? And if they go “Oh, you know what you did!” in that moment go “ No please, I think I missed it, otherwise I would know what to say, but I’m sorry I hurt your feelings but I’m not sure what did it. I just to own the fact that I know I did it but what specifically did I do?” and help pinpoint the exact moment, the exact time, the exact word, the exact feeling, the exact look you gave him the exact thing you did or didn’t do that hurt their feelings.
And in that moment, again, just won it…don’t rebut, don’t try to say “but I didn’t mean that” don’t argue it, don’t justify it, don’t do anything except for own it. And say, “Sorry, wow, okay, I didn’t know that was it, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I said that or I did that specifically…will you forgive me?” And in that moment, if they go “Yeah fine , whatever, you’re forgiven, okay, just leave me alone.” in that moment say “No, I genuinely I would like to own this and I only hope that you would take a moment to actually release and forgive me and if you’re willing that,I’d appreciate it.”
And if it’s genuine, and you care, and it’s real in that moment you might allow them to finally release that little piece of anger, or frustration or hurt that hit them, and hopefully, if they can let it out and release it …it’s gone! And you won’t ever have to do it again, but those are a couple of steps that might help when forgiving.
Now the other factor here is, remember you got to take ownership, you got to get specific and then you have to ask for forgiveness and make sure that it’s real and genuine. The final moment is after they said yes after they release it say “Hey can we wrap up real quick? For just one thing, I’d love to personally be able to share with you five things I love and appreciate about you, and if you’d be open too, I’d love to know maybe five things you love and appreciate about me.”, and end with five things that you love and appreciate about them and them sharing with you as well.
And what happens is, in the moment you own the fact that their feelings are hurt , you find out what specifically that caused it and own that as well, you ask for forgiveness, and then you reconnect and rekindle the love and connection, and intimacy if it’s your intimate partner back into that relationship.
Even if it’s a business partner, you figure out that you own the fact that you hurt their feelings, you upset them, you ask what specifically did it, you ask for forgiveness for that specifically and then reconnect and say “You know what, the five things I love about you, as my business partner, I love and appreciate this, this, this, this and this.” and you rekindle that relationship and rebuild the bond.
So hopefully this is helpful. Download today’s worksheet and there are little tips there for you, have some fun with this, go heal some relationship, go get rid of some anger, go help other people release that so that you can finally have the peace and freedom in their life that they deserve.
Have fun with this and I hope to see you next week for another episode of JRCTV. Until then, have an amazing week.
There are few things that pain me more than seeing someone in deep emotional pain.
Whether it’s something that has happened to them recently or 20 years ago, seeing someone bear the burden of carrying emotional baggage weighs heavy on myheart..
So today, if you or someone you know is living with the weight of past pain whether from a person, a situation, or experience, please do me a favor and share this.
Life is so precious and we only get one shot at it. So rather than holding on to things which hold us back and prevent us from experiencing the richness of life, we encourage you to choose to let it go.
Remember “Holding onto anger (or anything negative emotions) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
When we choose to let go of the past, The person that is freed is YOU. Enjoy today’s episode it’s a deeply powerful one. Download the worksheet! Be sure to hold on to this one for future use.
To your success,
Prefer to read? No Problem! Here is this weeks transcription of JRCtv! Enjoy!
Hey there welcome back to another episode of JRCtv.
Today we are talking about the physical, mental, emotional jail that you can lock yourself in by holding a grudge, by holding on to anger, by holding on to anything that you dislike about a person.
Something they did in the past, something you thought they might have done a meaning you’ve associated that causing you to be upset, angry, frustrated, jealous, any of these negative emotions and what it’s causing is literally you right there in there to be in pain.
And what’s wild about this I’ve heard it said being angry at someone or holding a grudge against someone is the equivalent of drinking poison and hoping for them to die in the process. It’s crazy and insane.
What’s wild about it is the whole concept of when you choose to let it go when you choose to release, to forgive, to finally et go of that anger, frustration, jealousy, upset, whatever it is that you’ve been holding on to.
The person that’s freed from the entire experience is you. It’s not them, it’s not the person you were angry with or upset about. And believe it or not, holding on to the anger, holding on to the frustration, the tension the jealousy, whatever it is that you’re holding on to they don’t feel any of that.
They don’t have the mess up the biochemistry of their body they don’t have their core to soul levels rise they don’t have their heart rate pick up speed, they don’t have their brain to kick in their fly or fight, they don’t have to deal with how you’re choosing to respond to your family, your co-workers, your partners, your friends your community your clients.
They’re the one not dealing with all the repercussion of this you are.
So I ask you, I beg of you…please make a decision by downloading today’s worksheet writing this up make a decision to first, identify the specific moment of thought of feeling or the specific person the situation, identify what it is that really, truly you’ve been holding on too so tight and ask yourself, why have I really hold on to this?
What are your reasons for choosing to hold on so tightly to this rope is burning to your hands causing all the pain in you? Ask yourself what would happen if I chose to let go of this and free yourself. From the rope that’s burning your hand from the thought that’s burning your mind, the emotions burning your heart. And ask yourself what freedom will this give you on the other side.
The freedom of not having to think about it ever again, the freedom of not having to feel it ever again, the freedom of not having to bring that emotional, mental, chemical cocktail in your body each day that is poisoning you inside out.
And finally, ask yourself why are you determined to let this go today. Not another day, not another moment, not another hour you will not allow this any longer to play a role in tearing you down and make a commitment today and act to move forward.
So download today’s worksheet make sure to go through it make that decision and please send us a note and let us know that you’ve done it so we can hold you accountable to freedom within yourself from that which has jailed you , and poisoned you and hurt you for so long but not another day not another not another moment.
So please make a decision today to finally cut it off once and for all and choose freedom, choose love, choose joy, choose happiness, choose clarity of mind and choose to really have the life that you desire on the surface not allowing other people to dictate how you’re feel each day based on soothing that happened a long time or short time ago.
So please download today’s worksheet take action, free yourself once and for all and I look forward to seeing you next week for another episode of JRCtv.
Until then have an amazing week.
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